Monday, June 6, 2011
Another random recovering addict
Okay! Today sucked! I am in a fucking piss poor mood! I don't want to do all this responsibility shit! I need a fucking vacation. I am fucking horny too! Fuck this sexual abstinence bullshit! I wanna go play! all of you mother fuckers who have recovery rainbows and unicorns comin' out of your ass can go fuck yourselves!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Does the bring me peace or not? Yes it does but.....
I met this woman on Facebook.... So..... totally unexpectedly. She's sexy, beautiful, so damned sweet! The primary issue is that she is half my age. Despite her age, she has wonderful qualities... She is also still quite young and foolish. The real issue for me is that I just recently have found myself single after being completely enmeshed in a 7 year long marriage and a 2 year long sexual affair that I started while I was still married..Not to mention a relapse into alcohol and cocaine after 9 years clean.. The "affair" turned out to be a a really sick woman and a stalker..... Whooo! Glad I extracted myself from that one...The karma of that relationship is over.. Finally...
Anyway, Here I am trying to do ME! Working on staying clean, temporary sexual abstinence, therapy, going to my 12 step meetings, getting all well and shit! Work, work, work and more work on me, just trying to manage all the life stuff.. Bills, work, home, etc.... Then... Here comes ms.sexy, free and fun 19 year old woman who just happens to appear in my life. I'm Like what the hell? HaHa! My creator has quite the sense of humor. Of course I am all freaked the hell out because she is so much younger so I choose not to participate... for about 10 minutes.. Oh hell yeah! I jump right into bed with her. Right.... I'm all in self judgement, I'm now thinking that I have a serious malfunction because I am falling for a 19 year old.. Yes, that's right 19 year old!
Long story short.. I am completely, entirely committed to finally taking a look at me, not being in a relationship and I start falling for her. We spend time together on a regular basis, then I am just really beginning to observe and notice myself getting distracted. I start asking myself all kinds of questions, my head is spinning trying to figure out how I can still remain conscious, awake and carry on a "free and fun" relationship with a woman half my age. I know all of it is not what my heart truly desires..My heart desires to get to know who I am. But.. I continue anyway.. Suddenly I find myself praying for courage to let her go. I find myself resisting doing what I really know to be in my best interest and hers for that matter. I'm thinking to myself.. I don't wanna! God Damned it! I avoid her because I cant muster up the courage or willingness to let it go. I go to see her one day to tell her but as soon as I see her my heart melts, lust kicks in, my ego is runnin' the show and I cant find it in me to end it. We part ways again.. I avoid her...... Then I decide that I am gonna tell her over the phone because I am unable to do it in person. I call her, I try to be as gentle, loving and tactful as I know how, explaining to her how I am trying to figure out who I am and that I cannot see her anymore.. I attend a 12 step meeting, I write about it, I proceed on the path of taking care of me, I feel no instant gratification... All day.. I'm in so much doubt... I spend my days with people that i don't really want to be hangin out with, just so I can stay on the path that feels true to what really feels like the right thing but what do I know... My brain is playing tricks on me. I keep thinking about those lovely almond shaped eyes, how it feels to hold her in my arms, how I love to kiss her, and so on... on and on... I am now thinking about her constantly...
I'm doing recovery, I have really made a wholehearted effort to get rid of my old ideas, I love my life, I know what my purpose in life is today, in a way it feels good to be conscious, acting according to my values and ideals but sometimes it just fucking sucks! I'm gonna tough this one out, do my work, and be of service to others. I realize today that long term fulfillment is the goal here, not instant gratification. Does the bring me peace or not? Yes it does but.....
Anyway, Here I am trying to do ME! Working on staying clean, temporary sexual abstinence, therapy, going to my 12 step meetings, getting all well and shit! Work, work, work and more work on me, just trying to manage all the life stuff.. Bills, work, home, etc.... Then... Here comes ms.sexy, free and fun 19 year old woman who just happens to appear in my life. I'm Like what the hell? HaHa! My creator has quite the sense of humor. Of course I am all freaked the hell out because she is so much younger so I choose not to participate... for about 10 minutes.. Oh hell yeah! I jump right into bed with her. Right.... I'm all in self judgement, I'm now thinking that I have a serious malfunction because I am falling for a 19 year old.. Yes, that's right 19 year old!
Long story short.. I am completely, entirely committed to finally taking a look at me, not being in a relationship and I start falling for her. We spend time together on a regular basis, then I am just really beginning to observe and notice myself getting distracted. I start asking myself all kinds of questions, my head is spinning trying to figure out how I can still remain conscious, awake and carry on a "free and fun" relationship with a woman half my age. I know all of it is not what my heart truly desires..My heart desires to get to know who I am. But.. I continue anyway.. Suddenly I find myself praying for courage to let her go. I find myself resisting doing what I really know to be in my best interest and hers for that matter. I'm thinking to myself.. I don't wanna! God Damned it! I avoid her because I cant muster up the courage or willingness to let it go. I go to see her one day to tell her but as soon as I see her my heart melts, lust kicks in, my ego is runnin' the show and I cant find it in me to end it. We part ways again.. I avoid her...... Then I decide that I am gonna tell her over the phone because I am unable to do it in person. I call her, I try to be as gentle, loving and tactful as I know how, explaining to her how I am trying to figure out who I am and that I cannot see her anymore.. I attend a 12 step meeting, I write about it, I proceed on the path of taking care of me, I feel no instant gratification... All day.. I'm in so much doubt... I spend my days with people that i don't really want to be hangin out with, just so I can stay on the path that feels true to what really feels like the right thing but what do I know... My brain is playing tricks on me. I keep thinking about those lovely almond shaped eyes, how it feels to hold her in my arms, how I love to kiss her, and so on... on and on... I am now thinking about her constantly...
I'm doing recovery, I have really made a wholehearted effort to get rid of my old ideas, I love my life, I know what my purpose in life is today, in a way it feels good to be conscious, acting according to my values and ideals but sometimes it just fucking sucks! I'm gonna tough this one out, do my work, and be of service to others. I realize today that long term fulfillment is the goal here, not instant gratification. Does the bring me peace or not? Yes it does but.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)